As you have probably noticed, the regular update schedule of 1 post a day has not quite been maintained over the last few days.
This post is to announce the new update schedule for this blog. A new post to this blog will be made only when, and if, it's done.
The following is a dramatization of an IM conversation. Names have been obfuscated. Some details may have been changed for dramatic purposes (or simply fabricated.)
h: hey you guys! I have a joke!
s: mm'kay, tell us.
d: jhyeah! tell us!
h: Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub.
h: One penguin says to the other, "Please pass the soap."
d: heh.
h: And then the other penguin replies, "No soap radio!"
d: ROFL!
d: HAHAHahahahahah
h: hehe :D :D
s: ??! :S
h: LOL!
d: Hahahahha
d: didn't you get it? "No soap, radio!"
s: no :S
h: dude.
h: No.
h: Soap.
h: Radio.
h: how hard can it be to 'get' this?
d: jhyeah, you really dint get it ?
d: "... no soap, radio!" get it now??
s: Oh. I think i got it
s: Ahahaha
d: AHHAHAHAHAHAHA
h: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
d: Hey. Wait. There are no polar bears at the south pole! :/
Is there any single act in the known universe that can absolutely, positively not be offensive to anyone, anywhere, ever?
I seriously doubt it.
People seem to go out of their way to get offended by things. It seems like it is not only things that you do that offend people, but sometimes even things that you don't do. There are even situations where if you do something you offend a group of people (say, "A") and if you don't, you end up offending another group of people "B."
Maybe one does have the right to be offended, but then doesn't the person doing the "offensive" deed have a right to do it too? Who gets to decide what is "offensive" and what is not? Should someone even have the right to decide? One should have the right to do whatever one pleases (as long as it is not illegal -- but then again, just because something is 'legal' doesn't make it 'right' and just because something is 'illegal' doesn't make it 'wrong' -- but I digress.)
Even if one does get offended, one's right is restricted to making the objection known. One cannot expect the "offender" to do things differently just because someone gets offended by it.
I get offended when people do such things. So who do I sue first?
I guess Stan (Southpark) summed it up perfectly when he said, "I get it: I don't get it!"
Unless you've been living under an internet rock, you must have certainly come across on a forum or in a chat room or wherever, a nickname, the gender of which you could not determine. At some point, you might have had to refer to the person behind that nickname using a pronoun and at that point faced the all-important question -- do you use 'he' or 'she'?
Using 'it' would be downright lame. Don't tell me you were seriously considering using it. (See what I did there?) ;)
But now, do not fear, the solution is here. I propose the addition of a new pronoun to the English language. It is not even a new word; it is an existing word 'overloaded' to perform this function of a pronoun to refer to a person of unknown/indeterminable gender on the internet.
This word is a portmanteau of 3 words -- He, she, and it.
SHE + HE + IT = SHEET
Voila! There you have it. Now you no longer have to worry about determining a person's gender before referring to sheet using a pronoun!
~ Yes, I am aware that SHE+HE+IT can be combined into another word.
~~ No, I am not going to comment on whether or not it is a better term than 'sheet.' It Depends.
~~~ That word could get you kicked out from a chat room or banned from a discussion board, but 'sheet' is rated U -- suitable for all audiences!
So Nation, go out and spread this wørd!
I'm sure a lot of you found the lyrics to yesterday's "A Midsummer Night's Dream" a tad dark and morose.
So here's an alternate ending to the poem, which isn't as disturbing.
I saw her for the first time...
.
.
...was her jealous boyfriend.
then I woke up from my reverie
opened my eyes, only to see
she was still standing there
and combing her hair.
I saw her for the first time
man that sight was sublime
she was combing her hair
she looked good I swear
you should've been there
to believe that sight
on that warm summer night
stars shining bright
in the wide open sky
I really have no clue why
throbbing was my jugular
heartbeat was irregular
blood pressure increasing
can't describe the feeling
my head started reeling
my palms grew all sweaty
collapsed like spaghetti
like being in a whirlpool
oh was I such a lovefool
tried hard to keep cool
but damn! that sensation
like floating, levitation
beyond imagination
irresistible temptation
I just kept on staring
yes, it was daring
but I wasn't caring
I was just looking at her
One thing was for sure
her face was angelic
the feeling psychedelic
I admired the creation
felt a sense of elation
Heart said "go, propose"
Brain tried to oppose
Heart wasn't listening
too busy whistling
despite my trepidation
and all the hesitation
Heart was the winner
I asked her out to dinner
after like, forever
she said, "whatever"
then my jaws hit the floor
and eyes started to roll
I bled and bled and bled
and then I was dead
It took me quite a while to realise
the last thing I saw with my eyes
before I met my gory end
was her jealous boyfriend.
The 3-step business plan is a well known internet meme which follows the following template:
Step 1: [something here]
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit!
Well, looks like my mobile service provider has finally figured out the elusive Step Two! I received an sms from them which went like (Note: I deleted the original message; hence paraphrasing from memory)
"Missed an important call because your cell was not reachable? Subscribe to missed call alerts only @ Rs 30 per month!"
The new mobile-service-provider 3-step business plan:
Step 1: Lay down a crappy network with incomplete coverage
Step 2: Charge users for alerting them about missed calls when they happen to be outside area of coverage
Step 3: Profit!!
Pure genius!
"wht u dng m gng 2 mv cmng"
u no i srsly dnt undrstnd y ppl hv 2 typ liek dis!! but d scary part 2 me iz dat most ppl can actly undrstnd wit no prblms at al!! im sure ur understnding dis 2!!
dis typ of lang wuz inventd coz in a sms der iz a limit on d no of charz dat can b sent in 1msg so ppl hd to cram as mch as possble into 1 single sms but i dnt see y dis hs 2 b d case wen U hv a keybd n unltd msg lngth??? can ne1 expl 2 me dis???
if d point iz to be as incohernt as possibl den i might as well fmffmmmpp Pmpmppppppppffmfmmpfmmppmmmpmp while u guyz brk ur headz tryin 2 trnsl8 it!!
Hint: clik on d link n copy paste d text into d box n u can trnsl8
you MAY think that i"M a looser becoz i have a BLOG and all but if you realy think about it, whose the bigger looser? YOu or me? it is you!!1 you are actualy reading this piece of crap LOL! Get a life and get a BRIAN, moran! also it would be HEIGHTS if your a blogger too! then your compeletely hopeless!~
Yes. They're there. They're obnoxious. And they don't seem to be doing anything useful. But give me a break, this blog is just a week old! Maybe they'll be useful to find stuff when there are a few hundred posts to wade through!
Anyway, I'll do something about it. Later. Much later. Maybe. Don't get your hopes up too high. You're stuck with them for a while. You'll get over it.
20070604 Update:
Yes. They're still there. But not as many, and not as obnoxious.
~ You may have won this time, but it ain't over yet! X(
One of my Orkut testimonials tells me that I like to point out others' mistakes and laugh at them. My response? Nolo contendere.
You make a silly mistake. I point it out and laugh. You get annoyed. I enjoy.
You make a typo. I point it out and laugh. You get annoyed. I enjoy.
You say something innocent. I take a double meaning. You get annoyed. I enjoy.
But don't hate me for it; I'm just trying to make the world a better place. How, you ask? Here's how.
The next time you are about to make a silly mistake, or about to say something which could possibly be misinterpreted, you will think twice, since you don't want to get laughed at. Soon it becomes second nature to you to double check everything you are about to say.
Thus, your speech becomes less ambiguous and less error prone. You become an effective communicator and a great orator. Everyone wins, everyone is happy.
Except me, that is. I don't get to pick on your mistakes anymore since you don't make any. I am deprived of these little joys which give me so much happiness.
I am thus sacrificing my own happiness to make others happy. Isn't that what life is all about?
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There, that was all the spam this blog can take. No more spam will be tolerated. Unless it's SPAM™. By the way, SPAM (in all caps) is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods, LLC. So remember, to refer to unsolicited email/scraps/comments/posts, always use lowercase 'spam.'
Good news, everyone!
I would like to take this momentous occasion to announce to the world my theory of Life, the Universe, and Everything. I like to call it "heXiuM's Universal Theory of Dependence."
It can be simply stated as: "It Depends."
Think about it. It really does answer everything.
It is so unquestionably true that I consider it an insult to the reader's intelligence to offer any proof for it. I will, however, illustrate with an example.
A: "Why is the sky blue?"
B: "Well, it depends."
A: "Depends on what?"
B: "Well that also depends."
A: "That also depends on what?"
B: "Well that also depends."
...
This could continue forever.
The questions asked by A could be replaced by any other questions, and yet the answers given by B would remain completely valid.
For instance,
A: "Is this a random question or what?"
B: "Well, it depends."
A: "What do you mean by that?"
B: "Well that also depends."
A: "That also depends on what?"
B: "Well that also depends."
...
See? You just witnessed the HUTD in action.
The first answer given by B is in the First Normal form of the heXiuM's Universal Theory of Dependence Equation (HUTDEq - pronounced /ˈhɛdˌeɪk/.) The second and subsequent answers given by B are in the First Derivative form of the HUTDEq. These directly lead us to the mathematical statement of the HUTD.
1st Normal form of HUTDEq:
In the first Normal form, the HUTDEq is expressed as "It depends."
1st Derivative form of HUTDEq:
The first Derivative form of the HUTDEq is expressed as "It also depends."
Mathematical Statement of heXiuM's Universal Theory of Dependence:
"The answer to any question leads to a HUTDEq. Any question can be answered by the First Normal form of the HUTDEq. Any subsequent questions can be answered by the First Derivative form of the HUTD, ad infinitum."
Disclaimer: This theory was originally told to me by a friend, so it's not exactly correct for me to call it "heXiuM's" theory. But then, it depends, doesn't it? ;)
Yes! Believe it or not, there will be updates. At least, that's the plan. So to make sure that you don't miss anything, do the following:
1) Remember this url -- http://hexium119.blogspot.com
2) Add this url to your bookmarks/favorites -- http://hexium119.blogspot.com
3) Set this url as your home page -- http://hexium119.blogspot.com (Ok this step is optional)
4) Subscribe to the RSS feed -- http://hexium119.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default
5) Get yourself a permanent tattoo with this url inked : http://hexium119.blogspot.com
6) Name your first born child heXiuM119. (This step is also optional. I don't mind even if it's the second born.)
